Bluefall never told you what happened to Artemis...

[seriousfic.insanejournal.com]

But I will...

So, Artemis is dead. But, since she was so popular, DC gave her a miniseries all about her coming back to life and kicking ass. Hey, that sounds nice. And William Messner-Loebs was writing it, he has some talent. What could go wrong?



So, trying to read Artemis: Requiem (I think Requiem is one of those subtitles that let you know a product is going to suck, like Resurrection or Evolution), I ended up covered in blood, three days gone with no memory, and wearing an admittedly very nice hat. To make sense of all that, I'll have to retrace my steps and recap... ARTEMIS! REQUIEM!

Let's start with the first issue. Artemis is dead, which makes Diana sad, so she goes to rescue Artemis from hell, which Artemis is in because... So Artemis is in hell, shacked up with a demon lord because... So Artemis is in hell and shacked up with a demon lord and she wants Diana to get into a hot tub with her, but not even lesbian subtext can help OH GOD WHO WOULD'VE GUESSED THE OLD MAN HAD SO MUCH BLOOD IN HIM!?

Let's start with the second issue.



So now we know what it would look like if the Punisher started a line of swimwear. And check out the oh-so-classy "battle damage". If anyone ever says that Artemis has pierced nipples and you wanna put them in their place, canon is on your side.



Those guys are from the Hellenders, one of the dozen teams of secret demon-slaying organizations that somehow never manages to trip over all the other secret demon-slaying organizations. I won't be showing much of them in this post because... well, look at them.

Also at the graveyard is a gang of white supremacists and a rookie cop guarding freon. Man, if any more people hang around that graveyard at night, they're gonna need to open a Starbucks there.





Remember freon cop for later. She won't be important, but I want to see that you're paying attention. And now, to follow up that moment of refreshing mediocrity in the sea of 90s, a Diana/Artemis moment.



D'awww! Now cuddle!

With Artemis out of Diana's supporting cast, the Hellenders ask her and her new Sassy Black Friend (Effeminate Gay Man is on back order) to join up. As she does so many times in this mini, Artemis responds by talking out her ass.



No, I don't know what freon rustling has to do with anything either.

I think it was at this point in the narrative that I developed a drinking problem. *tries to drink water, splashes it in eye*

Issue three, time for a training montage!



WHUT! Even the sound effects don't know what's going on with Artemis's characterization. Let's just chalk that one up to a healthy disrespect for the Hellenders and their "training". (Although there's no explanation for Artemis missing a perfectly good "That boy scout troop had it coming" joke of some sort.)



You know, this might be just me, but something tells me a member of a warrior culture who's grown up with death her whole life might be a WEEEEE bit more sensitive to the whole mourning process. Like, putting some pants on, at least. Also, thinking "that was done better in Francis Ford Coppola's adaptation of Dracula... the one with Keanu Reeves" is never a good sign.

Finally, Artemis goes on a talk show. Because why wouldn't she?



Is a superhero being resurrected really that big of a shock anymore? Easy crowd. You could probably get the same reaction with anything. "A tomato is really a fruit!" "GASPP!"

You might’ve noticed that this mini is kinda playing Artemis for laughs. Well, okay, that could work. Artemis takes herself pretty seriously, so she’d make a good straight man (another thing that would make her a good straight man: how much she likes boobs). So, as long as the jokes are funny…



GROANN!





So, if there's one thing we can take away from this, it's that sometimes, demons are just naked men.

Oh, God, I am really sorry I put you through all that. Here, let me make it up to your eyeballs. Does that hideous 90s art seem so bad when you're looking at... OTTER CUBS?

Comments

[bluefall.insanejournal.com]

I am ashamed to say that I watched Airplane! twice before I finally got the "drinking problem" joke.

Also, you are a hateful bastard for doing this. I was trying to protect them! They DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW! NO ONE NEEDED TO KNOW! The otter cubs do not make up for this kind of wanton cruelty to the community.

Hot damn those are cute otters though.

[seriousfic.insanejournal.com]

Also, you are a hateful bastard for doing this.

This is news to you... how? :)

And if a picture of otter cubs doesn't make up for this... how about TWO?

[aaron_bourque.insanejournal.com]

the Hellenders, one of the dozen teams of secret demon-slaying organizations that somehow never manages to trip over all the other secret demon-slaying organizations.

Well, y'see, you got yer Hellenders, yer Deathenders, yer Helldeathers, yer Deathhellers, yer Demonblooders, yer Hellblooders, yer Blooddeathers, yer Devilslayers, yer Deathslayers, yer Hellslayers, yer Slayhellers, yer Slayblooders, yer Demonslayers, yer Bloodslayers, yer Bloodenders, yer Slayerenders, Helldeathenders, yer Blooddeathenders, yer Helldeathslayers, yer Demondeathslayers, yer Devildeathslayers, yer Blooddeathhellslayers . . . there's millions of 'em!

[icon_uk.insanejournal.com]

You forgot "The Future Homemakers of America"... now THAT'S a frightening group...

[darklorelei.insanejournal.com]

Eeee! Baby otters!

[whatistriestine.insanejournal.com]

I will battle this evil with a PICTURE OF MY PUPPY!



Have at you!

[foxhack.insanejournal.com]

Oh no you don't, here's some photos of my dog from four months ago!




He's much bigger now. But he won't stay still so I can't take another photo. :p

[halloweenjack.insanejournal.com]

Not sure which is worse, the ass-crack-tastic art, or the fact that this is the same guy who created Journey.

[foxhack.insanejournal.com]

DADDY!

[volksjager.insanejournal.com]

That is one nasty-ass thong A is sportin'. I can' imagine walking (let alone fighting) wih out it cutting me in half.

[mari_redstar.insanejournal.com]

I'm horribly fascinated with that costume. The really impressive bit, I think, is the way it looks like it has shoulder straps, but you can see from the side that they're really sort of prongs that don't connect at the back, like it was a built-in torc. Is there some sort of rule that Amazons lose their powers when their shoulders are covered?

Also, try crossing your legs with spiked thigh garters on.

[sandoz_iscariot.insanejournal.com]

(I think Requiem is one of those subtitles that let you know a product is going to suck, like Resurrection or Evolution)

Dangit, X-Men: Evolution was a good show. D:

[bariman1987.insanejournal.com]

Motto.

[gwalla.livejournal.com (from insanejournal.com)]

OH MY GOD, WHAT DID WE EVER DO TO YOU MY EYES MY EYES OH GOD MY EYES THEY BURNoh hey, baby otters! Cute!

[neuhallidae.insanejournal.com]

Fuck, that hurts to look at.

::offers more cute and fuzzy::

[whatistriestine.insanejournal.com]

D'AWWWWW! We need more doggies in these threads!

[bluejaybirdie.insanejournal.com]

MY EYES OH GOD THE PAAAAIIIIINNN!!!!!!! DX

...I'm so glad I didn't know how to read in the 90's.

[bariman1987.insanejournal.com]

Hey, you're back from Mexico! How'd it go?

[scottyquick.insanejournal.com]

Taking bets for people who think that Ed Benes is to the 90's what Guilliem March will be to the 2000's.

D'AWWWW BABY OTTERS :D.

[gargoylekitty.insanejournal.com]

Awwwwww... Baby otters!

I counter with ridiculously adorable kitteh...

[seriousfic.insanejournal.com]

It's like he's saying "can... can I has love?"

YES YOU CAN!!!

GAAAH MY EYES!

[perletwo.insanejournal.com]

The 90s threw up all over Artemis! Why, Gods? WHY?

[heston] DAMN YOU TO HELL, 1990s! DAAAAAMMMMMMN YOOOOOUUUUUUU! [/heston]

Re: GAAAH MY EYES!

[aaron_bourque.insanejournal.com]

They did this to everyone who existed in the 90s. Except Sandman.

. . .

And now I want to see 90s EXTREME Endless. Why? Why am I plagued with morbid curiosity?

[tahngarth.insanejournal.com]

I used to own this miniseries.

COME BACK HERE!

I actually got it from a bargain bin some time after being utterly puzzled from reading the tail end of the WML/Deodato Wonder Woman run. "Maybe this miniseries will clear up what Artemis is all about and give her a place in the DC universe" I thought.

Such is the road to perdition. Also, Ed Benes still draws gigantic asses and balloon-boobs today. Some things never change. :|

[woogledesigns.insanejournal.com]

Remember- in the 90's we thought this was GOOD. Benes et al were touted as 'hot artists' and 'fan favourites'. Meanwhile certain comic book stores didn't push books like Sandman or Hellblazer out of resentment towards a hipper, trendier crowd that were invading the sacred nerd space.

And it's not as if we've fully escaped this art. Jim Lee still draws top heavy women like those above. As do Benes and Deodato. Some of the clichés of 90's art and writing may have left us (guns, pouches and cross hatching) but some of the underlying thought remains.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_dante_sparda_/ (from insanejournal.com)]

.....

I'm not sure whether to thank or curse scans_daily for getting me so jaded on Liefeld that I would've mistaken this on a glance for his art had I not thought to look at the first scan's credits right away.

[sistermagpie.insanejournal.com]

Even with the otters and the puppies I can not get over that outfit. How do you fight in that thing? One high kick and it would be in her vagina. And she's even managed to tear it, slightly! Good lord!

[frikfrak.insanejournal.com]

that wedgie on artemis is an important plot point, can't you see how the art subtly hints at it?

[freddie_mac.insanejournal.com]

But, you didn't use my favorite picture! The first 2-page spread in issue #1, IIRC, had a lovely crotch shot of Artemis! Given that the banner on cover 1 said "From the pages of Wonder Woman", I thought it was not particularly appropriate. However, the pointy-headed morons at DC who responded to my letter essentially said "T&A in a Wonder Woman-related book is *not* inappropriate." *sigh* and the pointy-headed idiots (at both companies) wonder why they have problems attracting female readers ...

[philippos42.insanejournal.com]

Pffft.

OK, the art is horrifying. It's young Ed Benes riffing on Deodato riffing on Jim Lee, & it's ass.

I mean, asses. Lots & lots of asses. This is what happens when you show Brazilian artists the late Claremont/early post Claremont X-Men.

But the story, while utter crack, manages to be a mix of, "so bad it's good," & a wild ride that actually manages to justify Artemis being alive again. If you can figure that out, which took me a few years.

I genuinely love this comic, & I seriously love the character of Hank Jessup (the "sassy black friend").