Amalgam Universe Part 9

[glprime]

And as an additional post for today, the absolute LAMEST Amalgam single-issue special out of my entire collection. A real example of "Dear God, Why?" in comics publishing.

She's an immortal warrior princess. He's a haunted ex-special operative. They fight crime! Together they are...





Oh how true.



Surprisingly, the art isn't really that bad. It's the early work of Gary Frank. But I digress.



The flashback reveals where each was coming from and how they met. Which was the same origins as they've always had and bumping into each other in an alley. Basically Punisher was suffering from the obvious signs of PTSD and she gave him a mercy fuck. I shit you not. Then they had a kid. Then they realized this kind of stuff belongs on Grey's Anatomy* and went their separate ways. Now their son's been kidnapped.





Now they're on Apokolips (I suppose before the events of Thorion of the New Asgods). "Let's split up, but don't fight alone!" What?



It ain't Wonder Woman without female domination fantasies. So, of course, Diana loses and is brought before Thanoseid, who asks her to tell him where the Shards of Ma'cGuff'in are hidden. She doesn't know and he threatens her child's life.



In the scuffle, Thanoseid casts his vision upon the child, seemingly killing him. Punisher is about to take his revenge on a minion of the Dark Asgod, Kanto, when Diana intervenes.



And then Kanto and Big Titania are sent to All Highfather Odin on the Rainbow Road and Diana and Punisher arrive back home, fight, then make out.

I'm with you Thanoseid: o_O' ???

One thing that bugged me was not even understanding the characters here. I mean, Punisher is basically Frank Castle with Trevor's name and hair, while Diana is... well, Mike Sekowsky's Wonder Woman without I-Ching. Honestly, I can't find any mention of who she's supposed to be combined with aside from erroneous reports of Elektra. Nope, that's Dare the Terminator. Maybe they intended Black Canary, but her name isn't Dinah. Her mention of "Diana Prince, Freelance" is probably a reference to Mike Grell's Jon Sable character, but that still doesn't make a whole lotta sense.

Most of the Amalgam issues were fun because of their tongue-in-cheek campiness with playing to the clichés of the characters involved. This was more or less a giant confusion of scrambling for another one-shot story. Maybe if they'd actually combined Punisher and Diana Prince that would've been something.

And the real kicker? John fucking Ostrander wrote this bullshit premise's scipt. I just voted this guy for a Lifetime Achievement Daily!

Join us Friday night for my final Amalgam entry... BRUCE WAYNE, AGENT OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

*(The greatest unintentional comedy of bad writing on TV right now)

Comments

[selke]

I actually loved this when it came out. But it helps that I knew very little about DC and only vaguely knew the Punisher stories.

Although looking back... How the HELL did her clothing stay on?

[darkblade]

I thought Wondy was combined with Storm?

[stig]

Yeeerrrsss...sort of. In the Amalgam, Storm is lost at sea as a baby, washes up on Themyscira, and is brought up alongside Diana; apparently having a surrogate sister causes Diana to grow up to be an arrogant and partially racist bitch, and thus Ororo takes on the Wonder Woman powers/armour/responsibility.

[jld]

…so Storm is combined with Wonder Woman's Secret Black Sister?

[jkcarrier]

I suggested that to Byrne at the time (on his old AOL forum), and he replied, "You're kidding, I hope." Which I was, but it's amusing how well it fits.

[kamino_neko]

Quite a few characters were combined into multiple Amalgams.

The winner on this has got to be Will Magnus, who was amalgamated twice IN THE SAME BOOK.

Combined with Magneto as Erik Magnus (AKA Magneto), who created the Magnetic Men, as well as combined with Bolivar Trask as Will Magnus, Erik's brother, who created the Sentinels, because he hated mutants because...I can't remember. I think their mother died giving birth to Erik.

Several others were Amalgamated twice or more, one of which happened in the Magnetic Men - Scarlet Witch was part of Antimony in Magnetic Men, and part of the White Witch in Dr Strangefate. Quicksilver was part of Nickel in Magnetic Men and part of Mercury in JLX. Trask was also combined with Bat Lash in Generation Hex, as Bat Trask.

Also mentioned in Bullets and Bracelets are Scott Free (Mr Miracle) and Orion, both of which are dead. Scott was also combined with Crystal in Speed Demon, and Orion was later resurrected, no longer used straight, but combined with Thor as Thorion. (So he's a bit of a special case.)

[jlroberson]

Okay, now I'm picturing the opening of a book with Magneto as the head of the Metal Men. I don't know what would be in the rest of the book, but every issue's second page would be all of them suddenly flying to him and a big CRUNCH.

[kamino_neko]

Magnetic Men was pretty cool...Sentinels killed the Brotherhood of Mutants, so Magneto created robots in their image to fight instead of putting more Mutants in danger. Then they follow the Metal Men tradition of getting blown up on a regular basis.

[perletwo]

Soooooooo. Some of you thought that bicycle shorts costume of Wondy's couldn't possibly get any worse, did you? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

[bluefall]

Frank draws rather more realistically than Deodato was doing at the time, and the more accurate the anatomy gets, the more obvious a bad costume's badness becomes (see also: Deodato's skullsuit!Temi vs Nicola Scott's, or Moder's bathing suit vs Jimenez'). Wasp-waisted hyper-stylized Image house style may have its (many, many, many) flaws, but it does manage to make just about any costume look equally legitimate.

[kenn_el]

So true! I recall Gray Morrow's Zatanna Special! He drew her in both the magician's outfit that she wears today and the Perez costume, and his realistic style showcased the fug that was that costume!

[thokstar]

Given when this was made, Guy Castle (Guy Gardner + Frank Castle) would probably have made more sense than Trevor Castle.

Diana has a little Saturn Girl in her as well (the whole "Darkseid stole your kid and sent them back in time to be raised as a villain thing".)

[darkblade]

Guy Castle is now my nickname for the Doom Marine. It's just too MANLY and XTREME to belong to anyone else.

[punishermax]

Hahahaha, is every line in this a witty retort?

"Could you pass the milk?'

"Here you go ~throws it~ don't go crying over split milk.~lights up cigarette~"

[robogeek]

*sunglasses* YEAAAHHH!!!

[darkblade]

It's a good thing neither of them have sunglasses. There is no way they could afford to have the Who following them all the time.

[bluefall]

Kirby scifi weirdness and 90s headsocks are not a harmonious artistic marriage.

[kenn_el]

Any story entitled "Final Thrust" creates outsized expectations.

[jkcarrier]

That title alone convinces me that Ostrander was just taking the piss with the whole thing. Like the editor handed him the premise, and he said, "Oookay, time to turn my brain off and channel my inner Liefeld."

[qob]

LLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dorry it had to be said

[qob]

*sorry*

[zechs80]

No Magneto and the Magnetic men? :(

[glprime]

Not from me.

[fredneil.livejournal.com]

" Maybe if they'd actually combined Punisher and Diana Prince that would've been something. "

Since the original point of Wonder Woman was that a superhero didn't have to be a badass testosterone mill that beats up everyone in sight and the point of Punisher was to be a badass testosterone mill that beats up everyone in sight, combining the two might average out into a normal person.

[liara_shadowsong]

Diana's costume here is more unattractive than usual (usually, she has what appears to have been a sort of okay costume until it got shrunk in the wash). ...I miss the awesome armor she wore a while back to fight Medusa.

[mistersandman]

This colorist is a good match for Gary Frank's art-terrible as the costumes may be, they don't stray into the horrifying uncanny valley of Superman: Secret Origin

[magnetic_regina]

Wonder Woman/Punisher actually sound slike an interesting ship.

[team_mummy]

BIG TITANIA! Hahaha, wow. Also: wow, Gary Frank has really evolved AWAY from That 90's Style

[glprime]

My original commentary was going to saw how like Frank's style the artist's faces were; then I actually bothered to read the credits.

With the Amalgam series, it's hard to say how much was artistic personality, and how much were intentional emulation of the '90s twilight.

[jlroberson]

This is actually not a bad idea. And interestingly similar to that fantasy scenario Morrison had for Diana in JLA, when, I think, the Key had put them in trances or something.

[glprime]

That was my thinking too, except that instance was much better. I think both are drawing on the same source (Mike Sekowsky), but this is a lot more directionless and open; basically it doesn't have much of a defined mythology that a bankable series would.

[cainofdreaming]

Oh, I just loved this for the bizarre amalgamations back when it came out. I mean, Monarch and Rhodey? Titania and Big Barda (though I lament that they didn't include Mister Man, or Absorbing Miracle, in it just for the names)?

Those just came so out of the left field that I can't but love them.

[halloweenjack]

Big Titania seems to be packing at least one sock down there.

[philippos42]

I...actually like Di's costume in this. Granted, it would be strange on a bustier rendition of her, but so would the old longline bra.

I got into Wonder Woman seriously just after this. And something like this costume was what I wanted her to keep wearing.

Oh well.