From the depths of /b/ come...

[seriousfic]

Do you like porn? Sure, who doesn't? But not all porn likes you. Some porn isn't intended to arouse. Just by looking at it, you can tell it was created only to hurt people. Much like the Necronomicon or a Sonic The Hedgehog fanfic, every detail is clearly poised to attack the sanity of the human being. We were not meant for such as this, and heaven help us if the dark gods who could be aroused by such perversity ever turn their attention upon ignoble man.

I dare not try to crop a preview image of this supposedly erotic tale of Batman and Catwoman, so I'll leave you only with this brief legality pic. Take what fleeting joy you can in it, before all hope is lost.







Well, this doesn't seem so bad. There's our good pal Alfred, here to help us through this story. And even if he sounds less like a refined British valet than a Jersey Shore cast member discussing their genitalia, at least he's drawn properly.



At first, the narrative calls into question the very conventions of the genre, much like the recent Inception toys with the notion that some or all of the movie might be taking place only within the protagonist's head. Could it be that the alter ego of Batman is merely a delusion by Bruce Wayne, who even within proper canon has questionable sanity? Could it be that there is no Joker, no Penguin, no Catwoman, merely a troubled young man living out a desperate fantasy.

And yet, even within this suggested concrete reality, its authenticity cannot be taken for granted. Alfred, Bruce's touchstone to reality and constant mentor figure, chides him for masturbation, drinking, and smoking, then entreats him to have promiscuous sex and visit a swimming pool. Bruce, regressing out of adulthood, can only respond by mocking the very concept of sanity. In an insane world, can any action he takes be truly sane?



Reality continues to be deconstructed. The sleep clothes one would assume Bruce to be wearing are really a full-body straitjacket. Additionally, Bruce calls Alfred "Penisworth," proving that Damian Wayne truly is his son.



Alfred gives Bruce a Batsuit to wear, but it doesn't have a crotch... and Bruce is erect for some reason... and then Selina shows up in some kind of Catwoman-themed burlesque outfit...





What? But that doesn't... what? What?



Why is this happening? What's going on?



OH GOD! OH GOD! OH JESUS GOD, NO!



THIS IS NOT RIGHT. THIS IS NOT JUST.



IT'S IN MY HEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDD!!!

Comments

[keeva]

The sound effect of "squick! squick!" about fits my reaction.

[arilou_skiff]

Ah, terrible porn.

I've not missed you. But seriously, how long was it since we had a porn-week?

[punishermax]

Jesus god no

[autumn_lily]

The sound effect of CHOMP should not be anywhere near a depiction of fellatio unless something has gone terribly terribly wrong.


Also? WHAT THE HELL HAVE I JUST WITNESSED?!

[espanolbot]

Gah, the woman in the magazine cover at the bottom is starin' into my soul! *hides*

[keeva]

SHE'S A WITCH!

[kamino_neko]

The idea of Alfred in a 3-way with Bruce, no matter who the third is is Incredibly Wrong...

[aeolos_sakya]

So much THIS.

[fungo_squiggly]

Adding to the horror is that Selina is wearing (fragments of) that awful chihuahua-eared version of the Catwoman costume.

Actually I think I managed to preserve my sanity by keeping my eyes locked on those goddamned ears.

[halialkers]

Only in the Chans can porn end up giving you the bad touch right across the computer screen.

[yaseen101]

Is it wrong that I'm not affected by this and would even call this 'your usual porn'?

[punishermax]

gotta say i hoped i would have never seen Alfred get his dick sucked, call me old fashioned.

[yaseen101]

I occasionally catch Alfred porn when I'm surfing the net. Hell, I even masturbated to one of them just because it was so fucked up. I've seen far too many weird stuff on the internet so I like to be prepared for it but after a while some stuff just becomes the norm for you.

[punishermax]

"I even masturbated to one of them just because it was so fucked up"

We're entered a realm here, a line has been crossed and the beings in the sky are awaiting with bated breath what happens next. This thread is at a crossroads, one leads to sanity and one leads to somewhere men and women fear to tread. I'm curious as to how we're gonna proceed from here.

What's going on in this thread?

[seriousfic]

Re: What's going on in this thread?

[yaseen101]

Oh c'mon! This is S_D! This stuff used to be normal around here!

:shakes fist:

Though in all seriousness; this my usual batshit insane side showing. I've been up all night........again.

Re: What's going on in this thread?

[big_daddy_d]

LMFAO!!!

[punishermax]

[yaseen101]

:slinks into the shadows:

My work here is done.

[shrug]

[cleome45]

So... just another average day on the internet.

This post should be dark green to reflect the depths of my jadedness. The only thing that surprises me right now is the discovery that "jadedness" is apparently a real word. Who knew?

[joasakura]

welp. I have nothing but regret for clicking on this. See icon.

[darkblade]

Oh Drawn Sex. Your porn is awful and disturbing but somehow hilarious.

[althechi]

Thank goodness some of those images got 403 Forbidden Errors.

[arysteia]

I'm wondering what the hell got 403'd if I can still see the DP!!!???

[joasakura]

that's a challenge you probably shouldn't offer to the internet :D

[althechi]

oh no, they're not 403'd anymore. D=

[dejadrew]

Eh, still not as creepy as that scene in Frank Miller's The Goddamn Batman where Alfred was reminiscing about Bruce as a kid and repeatedly referring to him as "my black-eyed angel."

[darkknightjrk]

...No, I'd say this is DEFINITELY worse. Miller's definitely lost his sense of subtlety of the years, but I don't think he'll have a story where Bruce and Alfred make the Eiffel Tower anytime soon.

[irrelevant]

Do you like porn? Sure, who doesn't?

There are plenty of people who don't. I don't. Especially not porn like this, so you're right there.

I see remarks like this a lot, and they make me sadface. It'd be nice if the people who make them would, I dunno, make allowance for the fact that people do exist who aren't into porn instead of making us feel like we're aberrations? D:

[g1andyp]

Ah Drawn Sex, second only to Tran Panarama in terms of terrible cartoon porn.

[star_of_airdrie]

Cool! Now I've had something worse happen to me on this Labor Day Holiday Weekend than the shingles! And that would be the shingles without anyone available to write a prescription for some Percocet and these mofo's hurt like mofo's. (And as an ER vet I'm NOT going to the ER!)

Not sure what Rx I need to treat seeing these pix. Can't say you did warn us!

[bliumchik]

WHAT KIND OF SOUND EFFECT IS "CHOMP" FOR AN ORAL SEX SCENE

[kamino_neko]

Oral sex seems to get the worst sound effects.

I can't count the number of times I've seen 'munch'....

[bliumchik]

nom nom nom... genitals...

[kamino_neko]

... Now I must draw a silly sex comic just to use 'nom nom nom' as a sound effect. (Not just for oral! For ALL of the sex! Vagina dentata, here we come!)

[bliumchik]

Know what would go well with oral sex? A li'l ketchup! xD