I bring you... bad X-Men comics!

[karthzon]

Back on Livejournal when I joined SD 1.0, my first post was a certain comic. See, in 2007 or so, my sister went to London for a week and when she came back, she surprised me by giving me two comics she bought there. She knew I was into comics and that I loved the X-Men, so both of them were X-titles. The problem was that she isn't a comic reader and had absolutely no idea what a good comic looks like, so her choices were... interesting, shall we say.

First up is X-Force volume 2, issue 2, drawn and inked by Liefeld and written by Fabian Nicieza with... er, "input" from Rob. Cover plus 6 pages from 22. The images are a bit on the large side, just for warning.

This is from the 2004 limited series, which ran for 6 issues. The writing is so positively Liefeldian that I can't believe that Nicieza had any input on it other than embarrassed groans now and then. The (utterly incomprehensible) plotting is just an excuse for the characters to flex their muscles and the dialogue is painfully 90's. The enemy is something called the Skornn (wow, how long did Liefeld have to think to come up with that one?) which is some kind of demonic anti-mutant living weapon. Not that it matters any, since it won't get mentioned even once during this issue. Neither will anything else relating to the supposed overarching plot of the series. Let me reiterate, this was a 6-issue miniseries and they wasted the second issue with filler plot.

First up is the cover. It depicts Shatterstar holding a sword in a way that makes sure he can't cut anything with it. It also depicts some kind of bespectacled blow-up doll reflected in the sword. As covers go, Liefeld's had worse, but it's a portent of things to come.


The first pages open with some narration introducing Sam Guthrie, "the mutant bio-propellant known as-- --CANNONBALL!" No, I didn't know Sam was considered "alternative fuel" either. There's some bathos, some faux-gritty narration and a bit of artfail. I posted page 3 because the picture of Sam in the lower left looks actually human. With feet and everything and muscles that might be believable from a bodybuilder. Also, because mmmFASH! is the best sound effect.


Page 4 has the appearance of Jon Spectre, who's some kind of future bad dude. He's still relatively sane for Liefeld, he only has one belt full of pouches and a bunch of katanas and what appears to be piping strapped to his back. Also, more failed poignant narration.


Sam sees Spectre and for no reason decides that he must be an enemy. What follows is the lamest fight ever, as Sam just flies around wrecking things while Jon Spectre stays phased out, both spouting insipid banter. Sam's brain finally catches up with him and he realizes that he heard Jon exclaim "Stab his eyes!" before he decided to rush in like a moron, which means that he must be FROM THE FUTURE! If that's what the future will sound like, I hope to die before then.

They introduce themselves and Jon warns Cannonball of something to do with Cable and on that note, we cut away to the man himself.


And here it is. One half of the entire reason I wanted to post this comic. That has to be one of the most fucked-up images I've ever seen. Contrary to Liefeld's usual practice, there's absolutely no muscle definition anywhere but on Cable's face, making his arms look like giant salamis. The bright, plastic-y lighting doesn't help either. Cable's salami-arms are as wide as his thighs, which are almost as wide as his torso and seem not to be connected to it on the outside. The positioning of his gauntlets indicates that his hands are broken and so are several of his fingers. He also has a ginormous bulge.


Cable in the past/future (past for Jon, future for Sam, since apparently Jon's supposed to be telling this story) fights some guys who have at least 5-6 people's worth of teeth in their mouths and the most horrible rictus grin ever, who turn out to be robots, as a demonstration of his prowess to a giant amphiteatre, empty except for three Royal Guardsmen who give him their permission to do... something. Nobody actually mentions what Cable is trying to accomplish here and Jon's story cuts short after that point. but first have the second part of my reason for posting this, the most glorious 2-page spread ever.


That guy has POUCH PAULDRONS. Not pauldrons covered in pouches, but pauldrons that ARE pouches. Two giant pouches on his shoulders. What use could they possibly have? He can't even reach inside them. Also, at this point it's glaringly obvious that apart from beard-dude there, every single male character in this comic has the same hair style, with the length of the hair being the only difference.

The "narrative" at this point somehow turns out to have been told by Cable all along, who's in some kind of vaguely-defined hideout with the only background being a bunch of giant monitors showing panels from the start of the issue. There's Domino and Shatterstar and some other random guys who all look the same and Cable tells them that Jon Spectre is bad news. The issue ends here.

The second comic my sister bought me was Essential X-Men 120, reprinting issues #11-13 of X-Treme X-Men. I will post that tomorrow.

Since multiple posters reported Imageshack trying to force spyware on them, I changed the host of the pictures to Photobucket, which means that they are now not under thumbnails. So people with slow connections, beware. Here are some text links for you.
Cover: http://i737.photobucket.com/albums/xx14/Solarn40/Comics/X-Force%20volume%202%20issue%202/00-cover.jpg
Page 3: http://i737.photobucket.com/albums/xx14/Solarn40/Comics/X-Force%20volume%202%20issue%202/04.jpg
Page 4: http://i737.photobucket.com/albums/xx14/Solarn40/Comics/X-Force%20volume%202%20issue%202/05.jpg
Page 9: http://i737.photobucket.com/albums/xx14/Solarn40/Comics/X-Force%20volume%202%20issue%202/10.jpg
Page 10: http://i737.photobucket.com/albums/xx14/Solarn40/Comics/X-Force%20volume%202%20issue%202/11.jpg
Pages 17-18: http://i737.photobucket.com/albums/xx14/Solarn40/Comics/X-Force%20volume%202%20issue%202/18-19.jpg

Comments

[joasakura]

I have this mini somewhere. I can't even bring myself to click on the images and relive the horror.

[schala_kid]

That Cable drawing has some pretty coloring, I just wish the artist was someone who can actually draw.

[keeva]

You know, this isn't really that bad.

[karthzon]

Well, everyone has feet, but that's about it. The pages I posted were literally the only ones where the characters weren't sporting nonexistant muscles or badly deformed faces or both.

[rordulum]

Everyone has feet? That's more than I'd expect from Liefeld.

Seriously, that guy has the ropiest grasp of anatomy I've seen in an artist, ever. Including Picasso.

[karthzon]

Everybody whose feet are supposed to be in the scene has feet. Liefeld's still trying to avoid drawing them, but as you can see from the scans, at least he can do it if he has to.

[sherkahn]

May I check your scalp? I want to see where the chip was implanted.

[selke]

What the HELL ASS is on Cable's fingers?

[psychopathicus_rex]

Other fingers.

[myniamh]

My inner Nana keeps wanting to yell SIT UP STRAIGHT, DO YOU WANT TO GROW LIKE THAT?! at him.

[psychopathicus_rex]

Problem is, he's already a grown-up, so presumably he DID want to grow like that. (Also, he apparently learned how to pick locks with his fingertips at an early age, and did so one too many times.)

[ametti]

You know, Liefeld doesn't draw bulges on anyone, so I was wondering, why does he draw one on a suit of armor? :(

[liara_shadowsong]

Maybe someone else drew part of that page?

[icon_uk]

You know, the one thing that I've always felt about Cypher's early demise was that at least the poor bastard was spared ever being drawn in a story by Liefeld... If anyone can disprove that statement, please for the love of whatever deity you hold dear, DON'T!

[wonderwomanhero]

To think, a few years later we would get a pairing that makes the fangirls scream! Ah....oh, and Liefield being homophobic.

[rallamajoop]

For a moment there I thought you meant Cable/Deadpool rather than Rictor/Shatterstar, which had me confused for a second because Cable&Deadpool started shortly before the X-Force mini rather than later.

Liefeld's characters: Gayer than you might think.

[hyperactivator]

I tried to click the images and regret it. Not because the art was so bad but because the site tried to install one of those anti spyware but really spyware programs and wouldn't let me leave!

I hate those.

[karthzon]

Eh? Imageshack tried that? It's never done anything of the sort for me.

[fierysea]

Delurking for a moment to say that that happened to me too. I shut down my PC and did a sys restore just in case.

[feyandstrange]

I got some nasty crap from them too just now, so it's not just you. And I'm using anti-popups and anti-crapware like whoa.

[karthzon]

I'll upload the pics to a better host then.

[rallamajoop]

I am forever amazed Liefeld and Nicieza have done so much work together without (as far as we know) any major clashes of personality, standards or taste. The talent chasm that separates Nicieza's better work from Liefeld's worst defies description.

[icon_uk]

Even the chasm that separates Nicieza's worst work and Liefeld's best work is pretty damned enormous.

[rallamajoop]

I wouldn't be surprised if Nicieza's worst and Liefeld's best had actually happened in the same title, though if you could tease out the effect of their individual contributions you'd probably still see a marked difference. It's hard to tell exactly who's idea was who's back when Liefeld was doing the plotting, but when you do get the rare chunk of good dialogue/characterisation in the original X-Force, I tend to assume that that's probably not Liefeld's influence we're seeing.

[feyandstrange]

Thank you. I must remember that whenever I start castigating myself for my lack of art ability that looking at Liefeld work makes me feel much better.

[liara_shadowsong]

I do the same! When I look at his art, I am proud of my ability to somewhat draw feet on a regular basis (although he seems to have done much better than usual here, when he couldn't get away with not including feet... that's a step in the right direction, I suppose). Also, when I draw women, their torsos have enough room for their viscera. Impressive, isn't it?

[feyandstrange]

I am always proud that my people have no more muscles than anatomy intended, and that their fingers mostly don't look like nightmare tentacles.

I am actually too flexible (it's a joint problem) and once I accidentally bent back too far and scrunched/bruised my back muscles/nerves between my butt and my back. Hurt for days. I felt even stupider when I realized I'd given myself Comic Book Chick injuries, especially as I am so not in the Power Girl bra size category.

[liara_shadowsong]

...I have issues with hands, sometimes. Rather, I have difficulty drawing hands holding objects realistically. I can draw them existing in simple poses, and I can draw them holding objects unrealistically. They generally don't end up looking like tentacles, though! Given that I am mostly self-taught, with only minimal highschool-level formal art classes (well, I had other art classes, but they were in, like, clayworking and stuff, which is fun but doesn't make me draw better), I'd say that's not half bad. It'll never get me published, but at least I can manage to not wince when I see my own completed pieces. And I am proud of you for not including muscles that anatomy never intended, too! Yay!

Okay, now that sounds seriously painful. I am... slightly more than averagely flexible, but only slightly. That is, I cannot go into Comic Book Chick poses (at least not the really painful-looking ones, or the lesser ones by accident), but people occasionally wince when I am in a position that I find comfortable. I occasionally use myself as a reference if an amateur artist online thinks they messed up a pose, to see whether or not I can say "well, it's physically possible without technically being double-jointed or accidentally injuring oneself, but I doubt it would be comfortable for most people". I don't think I have ever accidentally injured myself due to flexibility... *winces in sympathy*

[thelazyreader]

Thank you for giving me a good laugh.

The thing I find most curious about Liefeld's art is the cheeks. Why does he have to draw everybody with those same, sunken cheeks? Combined with the way he makes them open their mouths it's freaky.

[psychopathicus_rex]

Cable looks like he's put on a good fifty pounds in that picture, and gotten finger extensions.

[blackruzsa]

It's not bad, but... it's not good. As you said, misshapen and wrong and weird, but I can bet that 96% of the people here can't draw better.

[julian]

Well, no, I can't. But, and this is the important bit, I also don't work for Marvel. There's a certain level of expertise I expect out of published artists, is all.

[liara_shadowsong]

Um... Would said people have access to a professional inker and colorist and everything, if they tried to? Because I'm sure some of us could at least attempt to compete with the pre-inking linework, even if he ended up winning. But that is some pretty coloring. Kind of watercolor-y. Though it looks a little too delicate for the lots-of-lines-everywhere style of drawing. Also: He is meant to be a published professional. Therefore, it is expected that he be held to a higher standard than, say, some random comic fans with little to no formal art training. But, yeah, this is not as bad as some things I have seen published. Not terribly good, per se, but an improvement over some things. If only the anatomy was better, it would probably be a good style for black and white beginning of chapter illustrations in science fiction / fantasy novels that use such things.

[myniamh]

Ah, there was a time where I thought Liefeld drew like that on purpose. As an ironic send up of the genre. *cries*

I like the colourist though, I wonder what they did to deserve that.

[karthzon]

Apparently, the colorist was Matt Yackey. Hmm... I'll have to check out what else he's done, he's really playing to Liefeld's strengths here, as far as Liefeld has any strengths at all.

[myniamh]

I've never seen someone make Liefeld's pencils look ... acceptable before. He's done an incredible job. :)

[karthzon]

Marvel Database says he only ever worked with Liefeld. He was on this, X-Force: Shatterstar, Onslaught Reborn except for issue 4 and Deadpool Corps.

[featheredserpent]

Cue Bluefall: "LIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*gaspforbreath*

[christianconnor]

You mean our long-lost Foxhack.

Check out TV tropes, if you have a million years to spare.

[featheredserpent]

Oh DAMN, yr right. How could I forget? *smacks forehead*

[baihu]

I've spotted Foxhack over on Kotaku several times. Did say hello as a fellow member of S_D once. Does Foxhack not come on S_D as much anymore?

[christianconnor]

He might be lurking but he's not been active in quite a while. Which is a shame.

[wizardru]

Honestly, I'm left scratching my head...not about Liefeld being, well, LIEFELD, but about the assumption of Niceiza being so much more talented. I mean, this writing is god-awful bad, but Niceiza has never been more than 'not bad', IMHO. I remember hating what he did to X-Factor, for example. I found his work in 'Trinity' to be adequate, not great.

Pretty much everything I've seen him write have been stuff that I haven't wanted to read, such as Cable, X-Force and so on. I'm not saying he's a bad writer, just that I haven't really read anything by him that marked him as worthy of high praise. What's he done that's really worth noting?

[recognitions]

Oh man, the 90s. Watching Nicieza wrestling with Liefeld's creations to try and wring them into some shape of sense, only to be undercut by editorial interference at every turn. I still say he should write Spider-Man.

[baihu]

I'm impressed Liefeld managed to make an acceptable full body drawing of Sam at the bottom left. It wouldn't exactly tell me "Sam Guthrie" but at least it says "hey look an anatomically normal enough looking comicbook guy character!"

[karthzon]

He probably traced it from a picture, given how Jon Spectre looks in the very next page. Or indeed, how Sam's upper body looks at the bottom right of the same page the full body shot is on.

[liara_shadowsong]

The coloring is very nice. I like how it kind of looks like watercolors.