Heavy Duty

Feb. 28th, 2011 12:50 am
[personal profile] psychopathicus_rex posting in [community profile] scans_daily
Here we are with more Duck! You can never have too much Duck!
While Barks and Rosa are the acknowledged masters of the field when it comes to Donald and Co., one personal favorite Duck artist of mine is William Van Horn. His work is currently not as readily available as it might be, and I find this rather exasperating, because personally, I don't think there's a better guy out there if you like your Duck stuff FUNNY. His wonderful use of language and marvelously (there's no other word for it) GOOPY artwork make his stories consistently memorable, at the very least.
This particular Van Horn story, 'Heavy Duty', is rather interesting in that, while there are plenty of stories where Daisy turns Donald's life upside down, this is the only one I can think of where she does so without even REALIZING it. (It also paints a pretty vivid picture of what it's like to be around Donald when he's in one of his... moods.)

(A note - I only thought of this at the last moment, but there's a possibility you might not want to read this if you're currently having issues with gaining or losing weight. I personally think that the humor is broad enough that it shouldn't offend anybody, and it certainly isn't INTENDED to do so, but some people are justifiably sensitive about such things, so I figured I should put this warning here just in case - I don't want to spoil anyone's day by accident.)



As our story begins, "Daisy's Twaddle and Waddle Society is about to get itself in yet another philanthropic blitz!" It seems that each year, the Gobblemore Foundation gives a large amount of money to the city of Duckburg to be used for charitable purposes - and every year, there's a good deal of squabbling between the various charitable organizations as to which one of them is going to get it.
Well, things are different this year. The Foundation, you see, has organized a contest - but no ordinary contest. This is a WEIGHT contest - "each civic group will sponsor as chubby an entrant as it can find", and then on the day of the contest, they're weighed, and the heaviest one wins their weight in gold, to be administered to charity. There's a catch, though - the winner must also be able to tap dance to "one full chorus of Dixie!"
(I'd say that the whole thing was ridiculous and could never happen in real life, except, well... there are reality shows I've heard of that are awfully similar to this...)
Anyway. So naturally, Daisy is the one who screens the applicants for this contest, "thus sowing the seeds of confusion and despair!" See, it seems that Donald has noticed all these guys going in and out of Daisy's house, and being both the jealous type and quick to leap to conclusions, he figures that he's got competition - lots and lots of competition.
So he heads over to her house to confront her about it - and that's where things kick into high gear. It seems that the latest applicant was one Donald Dog - I guess 'Donald' is a common name in Duckburg - and Daisy is currently discussing this with a fellow Society member over the phone.
In the way of these things, Donald arrives outside her window just in time to hear these two fateful sentences:
"Yes, well, I'd be much happier with Donald if he were HEAVIER! The heavier the better, I always say!"
Uh-oh. Can you see where this is going?



Naturally, Daisy was actually talking about Donald DOG, not Donald Duck, and had the latter stuck around just a few seconds later, he'd have heard her talking enthusiastically about the former's tap dancing - but he didn't. He's too busy wandering off in a state of shock.
Well, our boy Donald didn't get to where he is now by thinking calmly and rationally, so he grimly resolves to meet Daisy's new standards of manliness, come hell or high water. Oh, this isn't going to be pretty...



Yes, when Donald does something, he doesn't go halfway.
"More! More! More!" he bellows, demanding "More coconut cream cake! More chocolate-coated waffles with mayonnaise! More milk! More cream! AND HURRY IT UP!"
Needless to say, his nephews are more than somewhat worried by this behavior. "I hope he knows what he's doing!" "When did Unca Donald ever know a thing like that?" "It's kinda scary!"
Well, scary or not, Donald keeps at it, and before long, he has achieved his goal:



So off he goes, plump and proud, to court his girl. Naturally, he arrives just in time to hear another 'Donald Dog' conversation, with Daisy talking about how "He's gotten so big that he can hardly move"...



Regardless, he can't let her see him like THIS, so he slinks back home, once again missing the context - Daisy's afraid that the extra weight will affect Mr. Dog's tap dancing.
Upon arrival home, Donald is cheerfully greeted by his nephews, who have a (they think) guaranteed-to-please surprise in store for him: "Six gallons of salmon yogurt topped with a bushel of cheese-filled mushrooms! Followed by twelve pounds of deep-fried prawns smothered in marshmallow dip! Yum yum!"
Well, a few hours ago their uncle might have reacted with delight to such consumables, but not anymore. He yells at them to "throw that stuff back in the ocean and get me a glass of water and half a slice of stale bread!"



Well, Donald is once more a man on a mission, and a much tougher one this time. He immediately launches into a rigorous fitness regime - dieting! Lifting weights! And, eh, slightly less orthodox procedures...



And so it goes, with Donald sweating and starving to bring himself down to his usual weight. The nephews, meanwhile, have had about all they can take of this.



Deciding that "what Unca Donald is doing is downright dangerous", they take their case to a specialist - Dr. I. Crakum Knob, Noodle Kneader Deluxe - and ask him for his opinion on the matter. He informs them that it sounds like the "dreaded Balloon Gratification Syndrome" to him, which is "a condition where either little guys want to be big guys or big guys want to be little guys", and they "inflate and deflate according to their particular need". There's an anomaly here, though:



Well, who are they to argue with the experts?
So on the weary process goes, until... "Bingo again!"



Oh, GREAT. Guess what happens next?



'GLEEP' indeed, Donald. Poor guy.
So some time later, Daisy runs into HD&L on the street, and innocently asks what they and their uncle have been up to lately. That, as they solemnly inform her, is a "long and very mysterious story".



And he's got a good reason to, too - as he sees it, anyway...

Date: 2011-02-28 08:57 pm (UTC)
icon_uk: (Default)
From: [personal profile] icon_uk
"The ducklings! Won't somebody think of the ducklings?"

Date: 2011-03-17 04:57 am (UTC)
roguefankc: Leomon (Default)
From: [personal profile] roguefankc
...you two crack me up. Seriously. XD

Date: 2011-03-17 07:44 am (UTC)
icon_uk: (Sonny Strait Nightcrawler)
From: [personal profile] icon_uk
Bows...

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