|chocochuy (chocochuy) wrote in scans_daily,|
@ 2012-04-01 05:04 pm UTC
|Current location:||90s Planet Earth|
|Current music:||Revenge of Mr. X|
|Entry tags:||char: spawn/al simmons, creator: george perez, creator: todd mcfarlane, publisher: image comics, theme: awesomeness|
Dudes, I am so hyped up that I wanna share mein joy with y`all! As usual, I was surfing the comic book store as the über-wicked cool Ninja Commando that I am when I found the awesomest comic book from all the bodacious omniverse. It was like mixing the Sega Genesis with the Super-Nintendo but 11 times more awesome. Mine eyez sure had one helluva pimpin` ecstasy ride as I stared at the new cornerstone of awesomeness with a filling of much more awesomeness and a covering of chocolate (I mean, why not?). Now, don`t you just take my word on it and let`s bone out to enjoy the sheer badassery that is Spawn.
It will be a spawn-tacular ride, compadres.
By Crom, let`s take a look at this wicked ultra-cool cover.
Jack Kirby has nothing against this dope masterpiece by the Toddster. I mean, this cover is so hardcore badass that I had to spent all my cheddar on 10 more copies. You might as well consider me on the road to Blingsville with this wise investment, dawgs. It`s da bomb!
Now, I know what y`all be thinking: Did Venom and Batman had a baby on one of those most excellent crossovers? Were Spidey and Ghost Rider the godparents? Alas, as much as it sounds as the sweetest of all ideas, that would only happen on one of my sister`s fanfics cuz this bro-tacular masterpiece be the original creation of the über-awesome Todd Mcantspellhisname, totally one of the most pimpin` artists of all the creation. I jock the Toddster so much since his tenure at Marvel when his Spidey was all Jojo Bizarre Adventure and now my manly crush increases with this newest Magnum Opus of his. Now I totally understand why he left Marvel to create his own company since too much awesomeness should run wild like the Ultimate Warrior. Anyhow, just by taking a look at the Spawnster you know you are getting the best shiznit of them all. Dude is like a Ninja Vampire Warlock putting a hex on the readers to buy more Image Comics™ (Alan Moore, learn something from this, radical bearded dude), which just makes him as hardcore metal as Rambo and Robocop teaming up against Darth Vader and the T-1000 in Little China. Special mention goes to Jimmy, that hardcore bat out of hell that`s totally the Spawnster`s sidekick whom I believe must be some kind of cyber-vampire rock star that is into bondage and who is beggin to have his own spin-off (Call me, Todd!). Gosh, this cover is the stuff dreams are made of although it would totally be hyper-tacular to have Spawn or Jimmy blasting the reader with some laser beams (courtesy of those ultra-safe florescent inks). Ah, we all can dream.
On to the story, amigos. Dig this, Spawn used to be some radical soldier dude who was totally kicking ass at Terroristan until the evil clone of Martin Sheen (or was it Tom Selleck?) betrayed him to send him to Heck, which was so uncool since the soldier dude was fighting commies like Ivan Drago and Super-Khakalovitch. Now, since the soldier dude was all that and a bag of chips, a satanic Godzilla called Marvelbolgia promises to revive him so he can see his hot wife in exchange for the soldier dude to lead some bad dudes towards Heaven. Y`all might be hating the poor Spawnster for making such a demonic deal considering good guys like Spidey would never do that but then you would have to buy yerselves some tickets to Wrongsville cuz this cool cat ain`t no supervillain but the next breed of heroes. Picture this, Spawn is so macho he actually gets to cheat the Devil and keep his powers (Eat your heart out, Ghost Rider!) so he can exact his revenge (always bodacious when served cold with pinto beans and muffins) on this pimptastic image where he looks all gangsta.
Before Spawn goes postal on Evil Martin Sheen, he totally uses his X-Ray vision to discover a group of evil mohawk dudes preying on some hot babe. The Spawnster, always a radical gentledude with the chicks, goes to her rescue by opening out a can of whoop-ass against the mohawk dudes like Batman would do but 3.16 times better. The pièce de résistance of such beatdown? Spawn blows off one of the bad guys` head with a magic spell! Wicked!
Such scene actually moved me to tears, dawgs. Spawn getting all Kenshiro but with magic powers and a bodacious Dracula cape not only deserves a cartoon or a toy series but a bro-tacular theme song. As a matter of fact, I actually wrote on my way home some wicked lyrics befitting the Spawnster`s sheer badassery:
♫ Who's the bodacious demon dude
That's a death machine to all them pricks?
You're damn right!
Who is the pimpastic guy
That would twist the Devil`s neck for his brother man?
Can ya dig it?
Who's the coolest cat that won't cop out
When there are demons all around?
You see this cat Spawn is one bad mother--
Shut your mouth!
But I'm talkin' about Spawn!
Then we can dig it!
He's one complicated mofo---man
That no one understands but his Wanda,
O SPAWN! ♫
Dudes, I am serious when I tell you this theme song needs to be done pronto.
Ok, enough trippin` for one day. Where was I? Ah, yes, like any other current real hero, Spawn suddenly gets one of those nervous breakdowns (probably wanted to blow off more heads) and gets a sweet hug from the rescued babe. Score for the Spawnster!
Another über-tacular thing to comment is how some some newscaster dudes and chick get to mention some crazy dude offing the Mafia and Spawn`s most bodacious and excellent heroism but what really blew my mind away was that they were using real life channels from cable.
I was all like "Whoah, Todd, time out. You mean to tell me that Spawn is for reals and that you are like some kind of telepath dude who chronicles his adventures?!? Sweet! Now hook me up some MTV and we will be ready to go, daddy-o". Heh, and people think Marvel is the one who uses realism on their stories, word.
Probably after eating some ultra-awesome pizza like any Ninja would tell you, Spawn removes his mask to realize that sunbathing may not be an option for him any longer and freaks out just like I did when I realized my mom was the Tooth Fairy or when Hulk Hogan lost at Wrestlemania VI. Now this is real drama as done by the awesome Billy Shakespeare and I truly felt Spawn`s pain, I really did.
So ends issue numero uno with the promise of 999X more issues (Why would our pal Todd use such numbers if not for such reason? Power levels decreasing? Yeah, right, as if Spawn should worry about that) and one spawn-tacular pin-up by Jorge Pérez.
Hey, fun is not over yet cuz while it was totally a buzz kill that I could not score me issues 2 and 3, which methinks had Spawn teaming up with Jimmy to fight the evil Martin Sheen, I got the fantastic fourth issue. Dig this, super-friends, some monster called the Violator (totally not making it up!) just tore out Spawn`s heart, which gets to show you how mature and EXTREME this book is. Now, don`tcha faint already, chicks in the audience, the Spawnster is so hardcore metal cuz he does not have time to bleed (since hearts may be getting too mainstream, yeah) and, realizing the V-man may be thirsty, will give him something about it. But instead of soda, the Spawnster is gonna open up a can of whoop-ass. Kick-ass!
Both Spawn and the V-man duke it out all gangstalicious till Marvelbolgia crashes down this wild party cuz, turns out things will end up like Highlander and the Empire Strikes Back combined.
You see, pals, Marvelbolgia seems to be so hot for the Spawnster (Who wouldn`t anyways?) that he actually cures him and turns the V-man into Danny DeVito (Just like in my sister`s fanfics!).
Destroliciously Awesome! Score another point for Team Spawn cuz there is no stopping him now. Ah, this is verily the stuff of legends!
In conclusion, Spawn rulez and eveybody droolz, but one question remains to be answered: Will DC and Marvel survive against this epic blockbuster? Heh, they might stand a chance if they defeat Sheng Long....Psyche! Only way they are having a chance is if Batman goes all Punisher fighting a Luchador or Spidey fighting a more evil Venom for more than 10 issues including some clones cuz we all love them radical ones. Whatever, dudes and dudettes, the 90s are already gonna be one wild party now that Image Comics™ is here to stay. Rock and Roll!
Hasta la vista, babies! Stay bodacious to each other!
OK, I reckon all you must have realized already this was just an April Fools` joke and, while not the best joke ever, I did enjoy it somehow. I blame it on the rain....and Linkara.