Thor #356

[arrogantcur]

Hello Scans Daily! This is my first time actually posting any pages from anything, so with luck I won't screw up and need to do a lot of editing afterwards. I should also warn you that while there are no triggers in this story, I'm gonna recap the pages that I don't post pretty thoroughly, and YMMV on whether that's a good thing or not.

I didn't get seriously interested in comic books until 1989 or so, at the age of 12. In the years before that I had picked up the odd issue of something here and there, but not weekly or monthly like I would later on. I happened to get one particular issue of Thor during that period, in 1985.

This was when my age was still in the single digits, so my memories of that time are much more vague than my memories of the late '80s, and thus I don't remember where I got the issue I'm posting scans of today, whether it was a surprise gift or whether I had seen it in a store and asked for it, etc.

Anyhoo, when I hear or read the name "Bob Harras", my instinctive reaction is to think "Oh, that guy who was EIC at Marvel in the '90s when the company almost went bankrupt." He's not somebody who ever struck me as particularly competent, with what I've heard about the New 52 reboot doing nothing to convince me otherwise.

So when I opened up this old book decades after reading it last, I was surprised to see that he was the writer of a story that held a lot of sentimental value for me. Did Harras do something right at least once? Or was this just a case of me looking at a sub-par story through nostalgia goggles? I read it all over again while deciding which pages to post, and I think nostalgia goggles have nothing to do with it; Bob Harras wrote a pretty damn good story! And without further ado, here's how it goes.

We begin with Hercules taking a walk in the park with Jarvis. Herc's in a great mood, talking about his plans to surprise his Avengers teammates with a feast fit for gods. Jarvis isn't quite as jovial, since the preparation of this meal requires some "unusual" ingredients that they may have a difficult time finding. (Probably also because he's the one who'll end up doing most of the work.) "Walt + Weezie" is carved into a nearby tree above a heart with an arrow through it, which I think is kind of cute.

Hercules tries to cheer Jarvis up, but the butler remains skeptical that they'll be able to find "a pithoi of the finest Mycenean wine" at any old liquor store. Herc begins a rousing speech about how nothing will stop them in their quest for the wine and that when he sets his mind to something nothing can stop him--but is interrupted when the structure housing that unstoppable mind (his head) gets bonked by a flying frisbee. As he examines the fallen frisbee, he's reminded of a discus, and begins to reminisce about competing in the very first Olympics, where he naturally won, because he's motherfuckin' Hercules. A pretty woman in a bikini comes running up (she looks nothing like the woman on the cover, but Covers Always Lie), concerned that her frisbee might have hurt Herc. He assures her that he's fine, and it's at that moment she loudly recognizes him as a famous Avenger. All of her other hot, bikini-wearing female friends hear her exclamation and come running over to fawn over Hercules, who laments that he is cursed to be irresistible to mortal women. His lamentation would be more convincing if he wiped that giant grin off his face. Jarvis tries to remind him that they have wine to look for, but Herc's not hearing him, so he slumps onto a nearby bench and muses that he thought Starfox was a lot of trouble.

In another part of the park, a young boy is sitting under a tree drawing in a sketchbook. He's pretty satisfied with the picture of Thor he's just drawn, and thinks about how his mother told him that he's been improving and he should keep at it. His thoughts of how maybe one day he'll be lucky enough to meet Thor himself are interrupted with a shout of "Hey--here's the wimp!"

Three bigger boys are suddenly standing over him, with their leader Tony giving the kid (whose name is Matthew Linden) crap for sitting around by himself drawing all the time instead of playing ball like a normal boy. Matt stammers that he just likes to draw, which is about as effective at getting these guys to leave him alone as you would expect; Tony pulls Matt's book away, insisting that he show his "buddies" what he's been working on. The other two boys respond to Matt's protests by mockingly asking if Matt's gonna run crying to his mommy.

Tony disdainfully flips through the book and is surprised at all the pictures of Thor. He says it figures that Matt would like somebody like him, a "weirdo who talks funny and has long hair". Thor isn't a cool hero like Spidey or the Human Torch, according to him. One of the other boys (who thinks wearing a shirt that bares his midriff is a good look, so he's really not in a great position to judge how cool anybody else is, I'd say) guesses that Matt likes Thor because they're both dorks.

Matt is visibly angry. But he can't actually take any one of these guys in a fight, let alone all three at once, so he politely asks for his book back, saying please and that he wasn't doing anything to bother any of them. Tony's response is to rip one of the drawings out of the sketchbook, crumple it up, and drop it into Matt's hands.

Trying to salvage what's left of his picture, Matt says that maybe Tony is bigger than him and can beat him up, but he could never beat up Thor, who's way better than the heroes Tony thinks are so cool. Tony challenges him to prove it. Matt says he doesn't have to prove anything to Tony, but Tony replies that he does if he wants to get his book back in one piece. And it's right about now that the other two bullies notice Hercules nearby.

Herc is apologizing to Jarvis for holding them up, but explaining that to turn away his admirers would be unseemly conduct for an Avenger.

Tony points out that Hercules would know how Thor stacks up to other heroes, since him and Thor are tight. He tells Matt to ask him, and when Matt is hesitant to approach the celebrity superhero god guy, Tony encourages him with a shove in the back. As Matt goes sprawling in Herc's direction, Tony shouts to Herc that his "buddy" wants to ask him a question.

Hercules is happy to oblige, and Matt overcomes his shyness enough to get out the question of who is stronger: Thor or Hercules?







Lying in a heap outside, Thor declares that he's made a horrible mistake by angering Herc and that defending himself will be no easy task, for Hercules is more fearsome a foe than both Surtur and Fafnir combined!

With an enraged Hercules giving chase, Thor pulls a lamppost out of the sidewalk and warns Hercules that he will defend himself if he's forced to. But Herc really wants to kick his ass, so he shrugs off Thor's lamppost swing, grabs the lamppost himself, and knocks the thunder god off his feet by using it as a battering ram.

Back to the park where Hercules is bragging about how he ingeniously used Thor's own weapon against him. Jarvis again interrupts, saying that this sounds incredibly out of character for Thor. As he's asking if Hercules isn't just making it all up, Hercules puts a finger on Jarvis' mouth in mid-sentence. Herc chides Jarvis for being a poor audience and insists on no more interruptions, since they disturb the children and especially this Matthew boy, who is clearly a big fan of Hercules and would like to hear the story of his hero kicking the crap out of Thor. Jarvis reluctantly agrees to shut up, and the story continues.

Thor kicks a car at Hercules, who just smashes it to pieces and tackles him into another car. Trash talking by Hercules ensues, with Thor complaining about being insulted after he confided in Hercules and after Hercules had already humbled him in arm wrestling. Thor's tired about hearing how great Herc is and asks when he will be recognized for his power. Thor demonstrates this power by tearing a section of road out of the ground and using it against Herc. For his part, Hercules is absolutely apalled at Thor's disregard for city property, and proclaims that it is his duty to stop Thor's mad rampage. He punches through the concrete Thor is holding, to the amazement of Thor. Thor felt very inferior to Hercules at that moment, says Hercules. "But then, who would not?"

Hercules remembers that he has a date who he shouldn't keep waiting, so determines to end the fight by picking up a bus and dropping it on Thor. Thor just barely manages to destroy the bus with Mjolnir, and decides to give Herc a taste of his own medicine. It is, however, a much smaller dose; Thor picks up a VW bug (not without considerable effort) and tosses the car at Hercules. Herc just crumples up the bug and tosses the ball of metal over his shoulder.

In the present, the bullies are really enjoying the story and ask if he really did that, to which Herc asks "Would I lie?"

Tony is loving Matt's discomfort and destroys another one of his sketches, before asking Herc to continue with the story.

Thor attacks Herc in a rage and lands what Hercules describes as "a most fortunate blow", one which actually knocked him down and into the lobby of the Empire State Building. The two divine beings battle up the floors of the building...and on the 101st floor Herc decides to put an end to the fight because he really needs to go and meet his date! So he punches Thor straight through the top of the building. Herc immediately regrets hitting Thor so hard, since the thunder god will fall to his death if Herc doesn't save him. Herc pulls a radio tower free and sticks it out to catch Thor. But as Thor lands on it, the impact makes Hercules stumble forward, and both of them fall all the way down to the street.

At this point in the flashback, we get a caption of dialogue from Matt asking why he hadn't heard of anything like this on the news, since it would have been kind of a big deal. Herc is briefly thrown off by this, but then comes up with a perfectly logical explanation: the mighty Avengers (of whom he is the mightiest, natch) repaired the damage so quickly that there wasn't any time for anybody to report it! Yes, that's it.

On the ground, Hercules is standing upright while Thor is lying prone, groggy from the fall and the beating he took. Hercules is saying that the fight was as enjoyable as the time he battled the Queen of the Amazons, and it has cheered him right up so he isn't angry any more. Thor picks himself up and
incredulously wonders how Herc can be in such good shape after falling so far.

It's at this time that a little old lady approaches Hercules in the midst of the wreckage and asks if he can be troubled to help her cross the street. Thor begins to say something to Hercules, but Herc stops him by pushing Thor's face with his open palm. Herc tells him to be silent since he has a good deed to do. The old lady gushes over Herc's gallantry as he escorts her from sidewalk to sidewalk. And then this happens:





Herc corrects himself by saying he was angry enough to tear up the island, instead of having done it literally. The bigger kids gloat to Matt over how Thor is getting his ass handed to him in the story. Matt is becoming more and more despondent, which Jarvis notices. He also notes that Tony seems to be really enjoying himself as Tony rips up another of Matt's sketches. Hercules gets to the part of the story where he is about to deliver the FINAL BLOW...and just then the same frisbee woman from before stumbles into everybody while chasing her frisbee.

Hercules helps her to her feet and asks her out. While that's happening, Jarvis sees that the sketchbook was dropped and picks it up. Tony and Matt both notice him looking through it at the same time. Matt blurts out "My pictures!", while an angry Tony snatches the book away from Jarvis, hypocritically telling the butler that he should know better than to touch other people's property. Jarvis says he was just admiring the work, but thinks to himself that he saw all the sketches of Thor which--combined with how Matt and Tony were reacting to the story, and their respective reactions to him picking up the book--has given him a good idea of what's going on here.

As Hercules is about to pick up where he left off, Jarvis asks for a word with him in private.





Matt is overjoyed, and asks if Thor really won. Hercules responds "Of course. Would I lie?" A disgusted Tony gives the sketchbook to Matt while calling him a little worm and ordering him to get lost. Herc puts a hand on Tony's shoulder and advises him not to speak to a friend of Hercules that way. Because Hercules cannot abide a bully, if Tony catches his meaning. Tony does, so he and his friends run away. The comic ends with Hercules inviting Matt to attend the feast that evening and meet all of the Avengers. Matt can scarcely believe his luck as he, Hercules, and Jarvis walk off into the setting sun with Hercules saying that he has many more tales to tell of his noble friend, Thor, "the mightiest immortal of them all!"