In which the West Coast Avengers commit mass suicide

[shale]

So, I ordered a 50-issue grab-bag of old Marvel stuff a few weeks ago, and when it finally arrived, it was absolutely packed with "classic" 90's Marvel. Betty Brant with an assault rifle, people. But the craziest thing in the box came from 1987: West Coast Avengers Annual #2, where...well, read the title. If that's not worth some kind of rant, I don't know what is. But I'll get to that later. First, I want to post the greatest panel in the book, or indeed in anything I've read lately.



That is Thor using Mjolnir to hit a game-tying grand slam in the bottom of the ninth inning. Also, the ball is on fire. That's just awesome.

Anyway. On with the post. The West Coast Avengers aren't history's most popular super-team, so it didn't take long to check all the posts with their tag. Doesn't look like I'm duplicating anything, at least from the post-LJ era, and I've taken material from fewer than 14 pages out of 42 in the book.


We start out with one of my favorite kinds of crazy: superheroes playing sports. Don't ask me why, exactly, but I love the whole concept. It's funny and never gets old to me.



And it starts right in with the silliness, as shown above where Thor shows Hank Aaron how it's done.



And how can you not love Hank Pym's catcher's mitt?

So we're set up with a funny story about the East-West rivalry, presaging hip-hop beefs by nearly a decade. Truly a comic ahead of its time. The reader is all ready for the game to go into extra innings, leading to more hijinks, maybe Cap using his shield to catch somebody stealing third...



And then half of the Avengers fall over and die for no reason.

To make a long story short (too late!), Silver Surfer shows up and takes them to see the Collector, an Elder of the Universe who spends his time...well, collecting anything he can find. They discover that the games-addicted Grandmaster, who died in the Contest of Champions - which I assume was a big crossover of some kind - is using the Avengers as his stake in a gamble that supposedly can bring him back to life. They're well and truly dead, which means anybody who wants to rescue them will either need some way to resurrect the deceased, or to bodily go to the land of the dead and foil the Grandmaster personally...




...So they kill themselves. Every member of the West Coast Avengers, plus Silver Surfer, drinks this super-toxic poison that the Collector has on hand, and they die. This is their master plan. The Collector says nothing about helping them find their allies after death, or having some secret power to revive them afterward. Their entire strategy is to commit suicide, and then make up the rest as they go along.

They may not have thought this through very well.

And really, nobody has any doubts that they'll just be able to walk into the afterlife and find the Avengers? Or that they'll be able to get out on demand? Maybe they should find Dr. Strange and ask if he can help? Squeeze Thanos to give them some inside information on Madam Death? Have Moon Knight check in with his god, or call in some of Thor's allies in the Norse pantheon? I should probably shut up about this by now, but it seems like we're supposed to take this as some kind of heroic sacrifice, and really, it just reminds me of these guys.

Of course, upon their arrival in the afterlife, with all their equipment and superpowers intact, the other Avengers meet Grandmaster, who says they were killed by the Collector and that the West Coasters are sacrifices in his scheme to become immortal. Naturally, both sides immediately and without question believe what their respective Elders told them, with no proof whatsoever. Which leads us to.........



SUPERHERO FIGHTING SUPERHERO? IN MARVEL? I'm shocked, shocked!

Also, apparently Tony Stark's armor died too. Anyway, the two teams split into pairs for a nice, orderly hero vs. hero fight, with scorekeeping and everything. Honestly, it's so amicable that when I skimmed the book at first, I figured they were using single combat as a tiebreaker for that baseball game earlier.



From the way these scenes play out, I get the feeling that the writers may have completely forgotten that these characters are not alive.



Hank Pym: Depowered, still a dick.



Mockingbird, whose superpowers consist of having a long stick that can turn into two smaller sticks, draws the short straw and has to fight Captain America. Good luck there.



Finally, a little-known fact: The Marvel afterlife is actually a Dragonball Z battleground.



Anyway, the West Coasters win, 4-3, but it doesn't matter because the Grandmaster was just using them as pawns in his plan to attract Death's attention and capture her, somehow, which will somehow allow him to control the universe...hell, I don't know. I didn't get the Avengers Annual where they tie this up and presumably bring everybody back to life. I just know this one volume is freaking weird.

Also, if anybody, anybody can explain why this story is called "Death & Texas," I would love to know.

Suggested tags: char: iron man/tony stark, char: thor/thor odinson/donald blake, char: captain america/steve rogers, char: mockingbird/bobbi morse, char: grandmaster/en dwi gast, char: collector/taneleer tivan, group: avengers, group: west coast avengers

Comments

[skjam]

As I recall, the stadium they're using for the baseball game is in Texas, as a halfway point between the two coasts.

This is also the issue where we first learned Espirita is immune to poison, and possibly Death itself.

[q99]

What a ... brilliant plan :)

[thanekos]

Doctor Pym is the best Pym of all.

[neuhallidae]

Motto this.

[alexanderlucard]

Agreed!

[chieflewal]

So much simpler.

[sarno001]

God, I miss the nineties. Comic books were fun then. Wierd, but fun.

[mr_austin]

This was the 1980s. It says so in the paragraph prefacing the scans before the cut.

Every decade has weird fun in its comics, you just have to stay out of the big events to find it.

[sarno001]

Oh. Way to fail, me. My bad.

[protogarrett]

I love this. Seriously.

[dazzledfirestar]

The West Coast Avengers aren't history's most popular super-team

WHAT?? Who doesn't love the WCA?? No... I'm serious. WCA got me into comics in the first place. People don't love this stuff? Really? That just makes me sad...

[alexanderlucard]

It's my favourite super hero team of all time after JLI

[arbre_rieur]

"Death and Texas" is presumably a play on the phrase "death and taxes."

[proteus_lives]

Death and Texas?

I'm probably wrong but it's ringing some history bells.Maybe it was Texan revolutionary battle-cry?

[icon_uk]

It originated with Daniel Defoe, but is best known as a Benjamin Franklin quote about the only certainties in life.

"In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.

[bradhanon]

Okay, quick Marvel Universe rule of thumb:

Step 1: Defeat Captain America in a fair fight.

Step 2: Doesn't matter. You will never get to this step.

[geoffsebesta]

There's one thing about this comic I've always loved -- Hank crowing about how dumb he would be if he designed weapons that worked on him. Like if I built a gun there would be no way that you could shoot me with it. That's just not the way science works!

I have to admit that WCA Annual #2 is one of the most spectacularly poorly-written things I've ever read. I love it.

[daningram.insanejournal.com]

To be fair, Pym got blasted with energy weapons from mini flying platforms he designed. There's enough room there for them not to work on him, IMO.

[geoffsebesta]

Have you ever heard of a weapon that works on one person and not another? I mean, besides smallpox?

[daningram.insanejournal.com]

In comics? Sure. Most recent example was an energy cage in Thunderbolts that was cued to a person's DNA. Anyone else could walk through it while the victim with the right (or wrong, depending on how you look at it) DNA had to watch his step or get fried.

Pym's one of the top geniuses around, and knows all about weapons turning against their creators. Stands to reason he'd learn to take precautions.

[autolychus2]

Yeah, I was going to mention Ultron, since that quote means Pym has forgotten all about him (them?). But you beat me to it.

[autolychus2]

Or alternatively he could have said, "Would I marry a woman I couldn't beat?"

[cricharddavies]

There's one thing about this comic I've always loved -- Hank crowing about how dumb he would be if he designed weapons that worked on him. Like if I built a gun there would be no way that you could shoot me with it. That's just not the way science works!

On the other hand, if you can build an energy discharging weapon, you can probably build something that will absorb the energy it discharges in a harmless manner ... and always keep it on your person. Or wear a force field generating device that will dissipate the energy harmlessly.

Or at least, you could if you were smart.

[geoffsebesta]

Well let's see you do it. :)

I'm pretty sure if I built a laser gun it would would on me just fine.

[cricharddavies]

[i]I'm pretty sure if I built a laser gun it would would on me just fine.[/i]

Yes, I'm sure it would too, since you clearly lack the imagination required to consider building a [i]defense[/i] against it, against the rather likely possibility that it would be taken away from and used against you. But hey, why question your literally-minded assumptions?

[geoffsebesta]

Oh, you got me.

So earn your no-prize. Exactly how do the flying laser platforms do it? Unstable molecules? Negative resonance patterns? Lay the pseudoscientific gobbledygook on me; go ahead and put more thought into this than the writing team ever did.

[cricharddavies]

How many times do I have to say that he has another gadget on his person that mitigates the effects of these weapon, before you start to actually respond to what I write, rather than repeating your erroneous assumptions?

I'm fairly sure that the text even states that they're not lasers, but something non-lethal. IOW, they're not lasers; they're electronic stunners, and he has an anti-shock implant at the base of his skull. Or they're sonic stunners, and he has special earplugs. Or, again, is wearing a force field device that absorbs the energy harmlessly.

It's interesting that you assume that the writers are dumber than you, given that I assume that they're smarter than I am. Of course, a fool always imagines himself to be clever, doesn't he?

[geoffsebesta]

You are so damn worked up about this.

[psychopathicus_rex]

I don't think he's saying he'd be DUMB, he's saying it would be inelegant - in other words, there's no STYLE involved in using a weapon that can be used against him. (Which I THINK means that he therefore designs and carries around weapons specifically tailored to beat various different opponents - just not him. Which makes sense, I guess - after all, it WOULD be pretty cool if, say, he came up with a raygun that shorts out Iron Man's armor, but does absolutely nothing if it's used on a regular human, i.e, him.)

[geoffsebesta]

Yeah given the state of Marvel technology in the 1980s, I guess it's totally Marvel-possible. But it's still silly as hell.

Imagine grabbing your little brother's arms and making him hit himself and you're all like "Stop punching yourself! Stop punching yourself!" and he says "Fool! Do you really think I would devise a weapon that would work against me?"

[psychopathicus_rex]

But... he's... PUNCHING... himself. He's not USING a weapon of any kind, let alone one he created. (Unless, of course, he's wearing homemade brass knuckles.)

[khaosworks]

"Death and Texas" is a play on the old saying, "The only things that are certain in life are death and taxes."

Which reminds me of this Marx Brothers exchange from "Duck Soup":

Prosecutor: You haven't been paying your taxes.
Chicolini: Taxes. I have an uncle who lives in Taxes.
Prosecutor: No, Money. Dollars.
Chicolini: Dollars, Taxes. That's where my uncle is a-from.

[daningram.insanejournal.com]

I'm surprised you didn't scan the battle between Monica and Iron Man. She's the only one who actually points out that, if Grandmaster actually is lying, then they're screwed because they're all dead.

[alexanderlucard]

The follow up issue has the single greatest moment of Hawkeye's career. I own it and can post it if people want.

[dazzledfirestar]

Do it. :D (I'm saying that with all the respect in the world!)

[kagome654]

Nice going, Moony.

[halloweenjack]

The Grandmaster in the last panel is truly disturbing. I bet that that's his O-face.

[tacobob]

Love the butt-chin.

Hmmm. he kind of looks like John McCain.

Just blue.

and wearing a dress.

[autumn_lily]

I CAN'T UNSEE IT!

[psychopathicus_rex]

Whoa - and here I thought you were being metaphorical or something. And the Comics Code approved this? Wow.