Haha, you want more Chuck Austen?! I GIVE YOU MORE CHUCK AUSTEN! AH HAHAHAHAHA!

[sigmund_droid]

You like Jubilee?! LET'S CRUCIFY HER!

You like Nightcrawler?! LET'S MAKE HIM THE ANTICHRIST!

You like Chamber?! LET'S MAKE FUN OF HIS ATTRACTIVENESS TO WOMEN!





"No" you tell me. "I have found memories of the spunky yellow trenchcoat wearing Jubilee from the X-men cartoon! There's no way they'd kill her in a 25 cent comic off panel!"




*notices your eye starting to twitch* "Okay that's a poor start to this 'Holy War' arc, but surely they won't make this horribly insulting to Christians and somehow tie in a plotline where they take advantage of Kurt's religion and make him out to be some sort of Antichrist?!"




*Notices you banging your head against a wall* "Well" you say to me, speech slurred from loss of blood. "I'm sure this story won't have something as improbable or incredibly insulting such as contaminated communion wafers that make Catholics disappear."




"No wait!" I say to you "Put that gun down! This isn't worth..."

*Bang*

*clutches his wound* "He also...wrote...a manga.."



*thud*

Comments

[auggie18]

Aw, you didn't post the part in which Havok tries to get Bobby to reform his body from urine. Or the part where Bobby kills a person by sucking out all of the water in their body. Or the part where Jean goes all Phoenix-y on a dude and nobody mentions it. Or the part where Lorna is nuts and all torture happy for some reason. Or the part where Nurse Annie's son brainwashes Havok into being in love with his mom just so he can have a dad and everyone's super okay with it.


There's more parts, but I think that might be enough. On the other hand, BRING IT ON. LET'S GET SOME PARROT-WOLVES OF DOOM UP IN HERE!

[rordulum]

Well to be fair, he didn't kill Jubilee, just crucified her. She got better, even if some of her friends didn't.

I don't remember a whole lot from his X-Men run, other than Angel and Husk screwing in the sky... in full view of her mother. Oh, and that Pulse guy who deus ex machina'd his way into Rogue's life for no particular reason, only to disappear just as quickly.

Maybe some of that stuff was Peter Milligan, actually. But his X-Men run was just as bad.

[kusonaga]

Yep, Pulse was Milligan.

[sigmund_droid]

I meant it more as: you're reading a comic and then suddenly BLAM! Jubilee is crucified.

But yes, she was revived by Angel

And oh God Angel and Husk...NOOOOOOOOOO

[icon_uk]

And as noted, the turd on top of this particular shit sundae is that Catholicism does not accept the concept of the Rapture, so we wouldn't go "It's the Rapture", we'd go "Holy crap, that guy exploded!"

BTW Have we done something to seriously offend you that you're posting inflicting these on us? Because I'll happily apologise!!

[sigmund_droid]

Offend me? no no no

As Alfred said in the Dark Knight.."Some people just want to watch the world be exposed to Chuck Austen"

[kamino_neko]

To be fair, I think 'Holy crap, that guy exploded' would be the reaction of most people who do believe in the Rapture if it went down that way.

[hybrid2]

*Bang!*

By the way.The Rapture is a protestant thing.
I've never heard about Rapture before that storie.

Actualy I did hear about it but I never kew anyone actualy belived,that peoples would just vanish from theyre clothes....

I'd like to learn the true about how he got to write X-Men and Avengers and so many books for marvel.

Blackmail? Close friend of Joe or someone else?
It just dontmake any sence.


What's next?your gona post the time he had a young girl have sex,in front of her mom and friends with a guy twice her age?

[biod]

Hell, most Protestants don't even believe in it!
I'd pray (no pun intended) that the now twice mentioned scene with Husk never happened, but my blue ring doesn't shine that bright.

[biod]

I saw this on AT4W. I'm so glad I never had to experience it first hand.
Also, Catholics don't believe in the Rapture and the whole plan hinges on the Church of Evi- Humanity being THE ONLY ALTERNATE RELIGEON.

[sigmund_droid]

It's on at4w? How did I miss that?

*tabs open Linkara*

[filkertom]

Dammit, I've been trying to expunge Chuck Austen from my memory. My worst nightmare is a brand new Axe Cop story, "Written And Drawn By Rob Granito" that turns out to actually be by Chuck Austen and Rob Liefeld, from an "original" plot by Jim Shooter and Frank I'm The Goddamn Miller.

[kusonaga]

Why's Jim Shooter among those people?

[hivemindcomics]

just

"..."

That is all.

[starwolf_oakley]

I don't hate Chuck Austen as much as everyone else. I thought the point of Holy War was how bizarre and absurd the bad guys' plans were, even by super-villain standards.

[an_idol_mind]

I'm working from memory here, so please let me know if I'm missing something from the Church of Humanity's plot:

Step 1: Nightcrawler becomes a priest...in a ceremony that takes about half an hour or so. And Nightcrawler's best friends are supposedly there, but really aren't. Apparently, the Church of Humanity never figured that Nightcrawler might mention one of the most significant days of his life to his best friends.

Step 2: Nightcrawler becomes Pope. Um...somehow.

Step 3: Nightcrawler's image thingamajig is rigged to malfunction publicly, revealing him to be a blue-skinned mutant. Everybody around the world immediately jumps on the "It's the Anti-Christ" train instead of thinking, "Hey, a blue-skinned mutant is pretending to be the Pope for some reason."

Step 4: At the same time that Nightcrawler is revealed, the exploding communion wafers go into effect around the world, disintegrating every church-going Catholic around the world. Apparently in the Marvel Universe, all Catholics gather in church at the same time around the world and eat their communion wafers at exactly the same moment.

Step 5: Because of the disappearance of the Catholics and the revelation of Nightcrawler as the Pope, people believe that the Rapture has occurred...because apparently Catholics now believe in the Rapture and there are no other religions.

Step 6: In the ensuing worldwide panic, folks immediately start looking for a new religion. Apparently the multitude of other religions in the world do not exist on Marvel Earth, so everybody immediately jumps ship for the Church of Humanity.

Step 7: With the swell in their following, the Church of Humanity does...um, stuff?

I'm sure there might be a dumber plan in comics, but I can't think of one.

[freezer]

The only one I can think of that comes close is Shaw's master plan in the First Class movie. (Sure, touch off Armageddon on the off-chance that all mutants are nuke-proof.)

Re: "Boys Of Summer"

[freezer]

So basically, he re-imagined Hardball as a manga?

[sigmund_droid]

Oh ho ho ho you wish it was Hardball

Everything I know I learned from Chuck Austen

[abriel]

1. When standing over a loved one's grave, talk about sex is sure to come up as it is only appropriate (see: Death of Skin when Jubilee talked about how she should have nailed him and then Paige talks about how much she wants Warren to bang her)

2. Having said much-wanted sex in front of one's mother is totally cool.

3. It doesn't matter if he tried to kill your cousin more than once and is your client and therefore it would be totally unethical to do so...sleep with him anyway! (See: She-Hulk and Juggernaut)

4. Northstar is gay.

5. Iceman is too stupid to know this fact even though it's mentioned in every issue.

6. Having your son hook you up on the astral plane with a complete stranger isn't creepy at all.

7. Northstar is gay.

8. Statutory rape laws don't apply to mutants of angelic ancestory.

9. Did we mention Northstar is gay?


Ah, Austin. One of very few authors I make a point of avoiding like the plague, even when he's on a book I normally like. I had done my best to block this atrocious run of his on Uncanny from my memory. Thanks for brining it all back :P

(I kid...there's no way I can not NOT remember it. No matter how much I want to.)

Re: Everything I know I learned from Chuck Austen

[mercia]

You forgot the most important lesson that *I* learned:

Trepanation works, as long as the drill bit is long enough to get at those really stubborn demons.

Sure, I can't remember math now, but I can't remember what's'name, either. It was a good trade.

[halloweenjack]

One of the more interesting episodes of Austen's career was when he was still known as Chuck Beckum. Eclipse Comics was reprinting Alan Moore's version of Miracleman (nee Marvelman), and when they ran out of issues of the British comic to reprint, they assigned Austen to art duty. He did one and a half issues... then there was a fill-in/reprint issue in which cat yronwode, the editor, stepped in and made some excuse about their having had a flood at their editorial offices (which they had, but I don't remember any of their other books having fill-ins or reprints)... then the next couple of issues or so were drawn by Rick Veitch, Moore's long-time collaborator, until John Totleben stepped in for Moore's final arc on the title. I suspect that yronwode may have gotten a long-distance phone call from Moore after he'd seen the parts that Austen drew.

[strannik01]

From what I recall from seeing the scans at the original scans_daily, Austen's art wasn't terrible - it just wasn't up to par with anyone else who worked on Miracleman.

[proteus_lives]

The absolute worst was Austen's Romeo and Juliet set in Kentucky while Angel bangs Husk.

Gag.

[big_daddy_d]

I prefer forgeting there was ever an Angel/Husk.

[jaybee3]

I think one of the worst parts of this story is that Chuck Austen knew even less about Catholicism than Dan Brown and was in-your-face-about-it. For example:
a) popes aren't elected the way Austen says (making Nightcrawler a simple priest is not going to get him elected pope - ever heard of the College of Cardinals)
b) even if did having Nightcrawler as a pope will not create a mass exodus from the faith - we're talking about a church thats had John XII and Alexander VI has pontiffs here.
c) Catholics don't freaking believe in the "Rapture"...AT ALL... and yet the whole plot turns on that.

And yet no only did no one at Marvel correct him but they used one of the issues of this arc as a 25cent giveaway to draw in new readers.

[sigmund_droid]

I'd vote for Nightcrawler for Pope.

[dorksidefiker]

*passes around the drills and the brain bleach* I'm sure I'm not the only one wanting to purge this from their memory.

[cleome45]

That seems awfully extravagant. Can't I just have some weed and tequila and then I'll go read all these, er, highlights again? I bet that would work just as well.

[lucky_gamble]

Scans Daily does not like Chuck Austen. There I said it.

[northstarfan]

He has a couple of fans here, believe it or not.

[goblinthebamf]

the one any only part of his entire run that I liked for the most part was his characterization of Juggernaut.

the rest varied between awful, enraging, painfully unreadable, and just plain embarrassing.

[big_daddy_d]

the one any only part of his entire run that I liked for the most part was his characterization of Juggernaut.

Ironically Juggie's face turn was the only thing I liked in his run.

[northstarfan]

I'm a little disappointed that in a "crimes Chuck Austen has committed against comics" retrospective, there's no mention of his creator-owned, "mature" superhero team, Worldwatch.

[auggie18]

Can someone post that? I'd like to see it.

[pepperspray101]

....*tilts head*....*looks up at the ceiling*....huh. Is this guy still writing? Cuz I kinda wanna cross over to Marvel comics now that DC is going to be shit for me...but I don't want to if the possibility exists that he'll pop up and write my favorite characters. One Beechen is enough for me. I can't handle that sort of pain again, even if it's for a short period of time.

[auggie18]

If it makes you feel better, after he left X-men, he wrote Superman for a while. So, really neither company is safe.

[blackruzsa]

Let's pretend....
well you know.