Evangelion: How NOT to build an Eva, equip pilots, or do pretty much anything

[alicemacher]

From the parody manga Neon Genesis Evangelion: Legend of the Piko Piko Middle School Students, Vol. 1 (Dark Horse, 2017). Writer: Yushi Kawata. Artist: Yukito. English translation: Michael Gombos. Read right to left.


As in canon, the Evangelion robots in this alternate universe are designed such that only middle-school kids can pilot them. However, since "middle schoolers only care about video games," NERV here is an academy in which gaming prepares them to fight the Angels. Or it would, if those running NERV weren't complete idiots.

In Episode 11, an Angel finally appears.













"And the shorts don't even match!" With that, Shinji refuses to pilot unless Misato admits they've given him a t-shirt.







Misato reveals that only Eva Unit One is combat-ready, and even that is only at 65% readiness. As this makes Shinji all the more reluctant, Asuka volunteers to pilot, running toward the door... then tripping and spraining her ankle. Then Rei volunteers and the same thing happens. Kaworu is next to volunteer, but Shinji, seeing where this is going, says he'll get in the damn robot after all.

In Episode 12, Unit One is launched.










Shinji asks how to use the weapons systems. "There are weapons systems, right?" Ritsuko says only that the Eva's weapons are "unorthodox," while Misato says Shinji must fight from his heart. Shinji pleads for someone to cut Misato's mic. Kaworu asks, and is granted permission, to accompany him into battle.







Gendo orders Rei to deploy in Eva Unit Zero.







Enter Unit Zero.







Gendo and Misato order Shinji and Kaworu to combine with Unit Zero.







Shinji bails just in time, and not to worry; Kaworu's okay too. He managed to slip out between Unit Zero's toes.

The battle's now in Rei's hands. Unfortunately, her Eva doesn't have any weapons either. So Misato equips her with a giant cake and instructs her to break down the Angel's A.T. Field with warm and fuzzy feelings. Since this is Rei, the best she can manage is "You out there... To me, you're like... some big, beautiful... baleen whale spider..." Misato orders her to present the cake to the Angel. Which Rei does by splattering it with the cake. Ritsuko agrees with Asuka's assessment that they're all doomed.