FanComic: The Tail Of Baxter Stockman

[silverzeo]

Been too long since I posted anything, but I thought I should share this since the artist I commissioned recently finished it, and I an desperate to get some feed back on my writing/story telling skills.

Be warn, there are a few grammar errors, but what do you expect from a low budget fan-commissioned comic?

I based this idea off a friend's personal webseries, and a "What If" idea on what if Baxter Stockman mutated imeedditely in "Mickey Gets  Shellacne" as well as his massive fan crossover world.
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Spot all the cameos? Any thoughts on the writing? All the art was done by Blueike of DA.

In case you are wondering, that dog at the end if Ragan, the big bad of my friend's comic. Basically, he a mob boss for alley stray dogs.

Comments

[zapbiffpow]

Awesome, new member-created content! I figured this place to be a safe haven for us "dish it out but can't take it" types. Real brave of you.

D'you want one with specific grammar stuff, or feedback on content only?

[silverzeo]

Feedback on Content wise. I am already aware of some of the grammar mistakes.... just means I have to triple check my scripts.

[zapbiffpow]

Okay! So tell me about the process here: how involved are you in the art direction? Like, what does the script for, say, Page 1 look like?

P.S. This isn't just for some charitable "here's a chance to talk about the work!" thing! It's also so I can properly attribute possible mistakes without the artist getting unfairly blamed. Y'know, to avoid retroactive buck-passing, and such.

[silverzeo]

Well, I wasn't really in charge of the art style. I just hire the artist who is willing to do the job. BlueIke has done alot of work with crowded panels before so I thought he would be great for this job. The design of Dogpound Baxter Stcokman was an idea that my other friend came up with. Other than that, I let the artist did what he wanted for the comic. He adlibbed some of the panels and characters, but I felt like those improve the comic from my original vision.

The script itself was just a basic worded layout for panel for panel on each page, with specific details here and there for some scenes.

[zapbiffpow]

Slr + right-o! All right, gimme a day and I'll be back with some hopefully substantial feedback.

[zapbiffpow]

All right, here we go!

- Nice touch on fixing Panel 1 so the reader gets Stockman's full name early in the story! Best get it out of the way early on, so readers can have a name to place on the face they'll be reading about. Don't know if that was intended or not, but cool.

- What's up with 'Mikeman'? Is that a running joke about people not getting Stockman's name right? If so, I'd like to recommend adding a few words acknowledging that to avoid confusion, i.e.

Stockman: Uh, it's not 'Mikeman', it's...wait, what? Why?

or something to that effect.

- "Things took a drastic turn..." - Good use of inset panel during the Stockman pre-transformation, odd use of inset panel after transformation ("C'mon, man!...") Where does the 'Stockman flexing in the mirror' panel take place? Is that rubble behind him?

- "I was soon the top man...or should I say, "top dog" - Replace the comma with an ellipsis to give the "top dog" half of the sentence extra bam. A comma takes out some of the potency. Note: not a spelling nitpick! Just a formatting thing.

- "Stoutland" - Right, so it is a running gag! Anyway, my recommendation still stands, at least for the first few iterations of the gag.

- "Shreddawg." Ha! First time I've seen the noble warrior's name translated for Poochie talk...and yet, effective. Fine work, fine work.

- "'Cuz" - Consider switching to the formally-spelled "'cause", to keep Stockman's intellectual 'voice' intact. 'Cuz' seems like something better suited for Harley Quinn.

- I'd recommend putting some quotes on "A Stockman Hound in London", so it's easy to understand it's a movie reference (assuming I'm not mistaken.)

- That crowd panel is awesome! I don't know if it's a page limitation thing, but I'd recommend giving that it's own page/half-page.

- "I left my world as a mutated man going nowhere but down..." - I think Stockman may have switched self-opinions mid-narration here. I assumed he was doing an 'unreliable narrator' thing based on that panel of him breaking that beaker while saying he was the 'top dog', but here he seems to admit he's been dealt a bad hand. Keep an eye out for consistency stuff!

- "I left my wallet back in the lab!" Slight continuity snag - Shredder impaling Stockman's wallet wasn't shown anywhere: that'll end up being confusing. I'd recommend utilizing Bebop for a "he took my cash" thing (assuming he's thug enough to do that), since he's already closely integrated into the "Stockman gets thrown through the portal" narrative.

- "So when I heard great things about your lovely casino" - Backtracking to the beginning, I'd like to recommend an establishing shot, (or maybe an exposition caption on the top left: [Name of Ragan's Casino]) for the first panel, so readers know from the get-go.

- "...And you know the rest." I like this panel! That menacing "hidden in shadow" thing was well-placed - it's a good subtle signal that there's a reveal coming, which, speaking of...

- Great cliffhanger! I'm a sucker for large, last-panel reveal stuff, so that totally works for me. Like the crowd scene, I'd place this on its own page, but that's just personal preference talking. This works too.

- Also, I notice Ragan's like the first person to say Stockman's name properly. Nice touch! You could go in a 'flies with honey, not vinegar' thing with that, if you're inclined.

- Just for completion's sake, I'd like to remind you of the spelling/grammar thing! Can't lean on the "low-budget" thing too much, friend. Consider fanfiction stories, whose no-budget writers often credit their proofreaders in prefaces and stuff. Find someone from your local comms for an assist, if possible.

...Aaaand prosecution rests. Note: I'm a bit of an outsider Turtle-lore wise, so the opinions expressed here come from a casual reader's viewpoint, with all the benefits and disadvantages that come with it. Please feel free to [rebut/explain/leave a bag of flaming revenge feces at my doorstep; my unit's Floor 9, Door 43] at your convenience. Good luck!